Healing After Miscarriage

Hello, Hello!

Nope, I am not here with the so-called “good news”; because “expecting” for me is no longer in the “good news” category. For me good news is:

• I have got my period. (Yes, this is good for the one with primary ovarian failure who sometimes doesn’t get withdrawal bleeding with artificial hormones)
• When my RE says, “ET looks good.”

Well, I have not heard either of the above in last 3 months.

Time for some recap

19 Jun’18: FET (3 healthy embryos were transferred)

3 Jul’18: Beta – HCG 183.64 (I was pregnant!)

7 Jul’18: Beta – HCG 905.46 (Growing strong)

17 Jul’18: Beta – HCG 15623.64 (LOOK AT THOSE NUMBERS!)

3 Aug’18: First scan – Fetal cardiac activity absent (Numb, devastated, broken) MISSED ABORTION!

6 Aug’18: Undergone D & C and I had decided to do ‘karyotyping’ in products of conception (Strange how it sounds like that instead of calling a baby)

30 Aug’18: Study of chromosome analysis: Normal karyotype

19 Sep’18: APLA Test. Guess what? Normal levels.

What caused the miscarriage?

‘No cause found’. Missed abortion is also known as ‘silent miscarriage’. It did leave silently and left me in silence. Missed abortion is caused in 10% of pregnancies. I was the special among that 10%.

Apparently being special did not end here. My first period post D & C turned out to be scanty. The next one scantier and the third one was like – ‘what should I call this? Only traces of blood’.

I was struck with Asherman syndrome, a rare condition. In most cases, it occurs in women who have had several dilatation and curettage (D&C) procedures.

I told you, I am “The Chosen One”!

10 Dec’18: Hysteroscopy with adhesiolysis

2 days Post-hysteroscopy, there wasn’t any significant bleeding. It increased and by the 7^th day full-fledged bleeding as if I am on period.

I am on Tab Pause-MF which has decreased the bleeding but then again my body has to bear the blow of progesterone in next week. THAT will be called as ‘period’. Fingers-crossed!!!

How am I doing?

I did undergo the 5 stages of grief. Learning to live with the one I lost.

Photo by Simon Robben from Pexels

But often when I start to count the months it never fails me to realize I would have been 6 months pregnant with a baby bump. I would have been due in Mar’19.

I had refrained from doing a UPT at home post FET in June as I was anxious. After the second beta – HCG I finally decided to do it. I still have that strip with BFP. I have kept it as a remembrance of what ‘I had blessed with’ more than the feeling of loss.

I don’t know whether I have healed because it has traumatized me emotionally > physical pain.

I thought the first FET would be scary but I am fearful (not scary) for second FET, and I don’t even know when it will be. Because the first time I was ready, the second will come with fear as I have to make up my mind for the loss too (if it did come).

The one good thing that came with the second half of 2018 –  I see “secondary infertility” from the previous “primary infertility” on my medical records.

I am with you if you have been through same. Do share how you were healed. Let’s help each other. 

 

I Have Begun To Hate The Words – “Good News”

Warning: You may not like this post if you are already blessed with a child. So stop reading.

Your friend is pregnant. Okay! You are happy for her because by now you have accepted the fact that it is not coming easy for you. 

Then, your husband’s friend had second child. SECOND! and you do not have even the first and then he is pissed off because of THIS news. NOW, you are devastated because even though you have acknowledge the infertility, THE GOOD NEWS still stings. Moreover because your partner STILL shuts himself off after such news.

Good news for them, not for you! Isn’t it? How can you explain the “not in 1 in 8” population IT ISN’T EASY TO GET THAT BFP (not even once). 

I have A: acknowledged my infertility and A: Accepted it. I am not angry at myself. I do not cry over watching pregnant bellies. I am not even jealous of them. The only thought goes inside my head is – ‘One day for sure.’ It is just that it is taking time and I am waiting.

IVF UPDATE:

Month: Sixth

Result: Cancellation of FET transfer. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Hormones: Check

Hysteroscopy: Check

Medicines: Tonnes of them. 

Endometrium: Giving away due to high estrogen (probably) given for the damn lining to grow in the first place.

What I want: Break from all of this.

Reality: I HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT. NO MATTER WHAT. 

Bank account: Depleting

LIFE MINUS THE IVF LIFE

Work: Not interested

Likes:

• Self-care
• Lighting a scented candle from Bath and Body works or Vaporizing an Essential Oil 
• Adult coloring book
• Netflix obsession: Gilmore Girls, Grace and Frankie, Riverdale, izombie, The Good Wife

Food:

• Smoothie with flax seeds and almonds
• Jaggery to keep up Hemoglobin
• Apple

Listening to:

Songs: Unplugged collection in Amazon Prime Music

You Are a Badass – How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life by Jen Sincero

Pick of the Week: 

Sadhguru – How To Get EVERYTHING You WANT

I do not follow spirituality. I am not an atheist. I only believe there is a ‘creator’. I do not follow any one or the many idol form of God. I do not have any spiritual guru.

But all said, I listen to the ones which my heart says – Yes! 

Thank you for reading if you have come till the end. See you soon. 🙂

Getting ready for IVF – Mind, Body & Soul

When all the tips in ‘how to get pregnant fast’ fails; it is time for booking appointments and SEVERAL visits to hospital. I should have kept the exact record and the number of pills that I have swallowed till date. (It would have been a record in itself, sigh!)

Please do not consider following routine as “guidelines” for yourself. They are strictly for me as advised by my RE. I have included only the medication part and not the ‘relaxation, stress free, yoga, acupuncture, eat healthy’ tips found all over the internet. Because if that was the case, I would have popped out a baby long back.

Photo by NordWood Themes on Unsplash

Short recap of my fertility status

Age: 30 (almost nearing 31)

Diagnosis: Premature Ovarian Failure (POF) confirmed after test results of AMH (Anti Mullerian Hormone) as 0.19 (Normal is 1.0 to 1.5 ng/ml) 

Menstrual cycle: I do not get my menses naturally since age of 27. The first sign of my early menopause began when I was 25. (Yup! I noticed a surprised reaction from my RE too)

Believe me; I have seen females as young as 18 and 21 with POF in my medical professional career.

Preparing My Body For IVF

Emotional preparation

So before taking that first appointment with RE in Jan 2018 because I knew I am ‘the patient’ for IVF and what all comes with it (Side-effects of being a doctor) it took me a year, yes, one whole year to prepare myself emotionally.

I had been through physical discomfort of all the invasive and diagnostic procedures since 2013. Emotional drain is far more than going through the physical procedures.

The biggest fact to sink in is to prepare my mind for IVF failure. This sounds absurd but I cannot run away from it. The truth is that only 4 out of 10 women who undergo IVF cycle find success. And who doesn’t want to be in the 4!

Get Strong My Endometrium

I am on the stage where I have to depend on hormonal tablets to get my menses which is known as withdrawal bleeding and not an ‘actual period’.

I am taking 2 tablets of Ev Tab 2 mg thrice in a day (THAT’S 12 mg PER DAY!). It is an estradiol (female sex hormone) tablet which is prescribed because my ovaries cannot produce it. I have no problem taking it, why would I because it is prescribed for endometrium thicknening to increase the chances of implantation.

But oh, the side-effects that I am experiencing! Be ready for TMI (Too Much Information)!

My breasts have enlarged and I feel suffocated in my medium size dresses. Do I have to build up a new wardrobe now? Already thousands are been spent on monthly medications.

They have become so sore and the pain on pressure makes me wince! How do I make my husband understand? (Ouch!)

I have gained 2 kg since Jan (not because of happiness, I’m sure).

Training My Uterus To Bleed Monthly

Duphaston 10 mg, progesterone to bring on menstruation by replacing the natural progesterone after last dose of Ev Tab.

Tablet, Tablets and More Tablets

Care 9 contains L-methyl folate , Pyridoxal 5 Phosphate and Methylcobalamin, all active form of vitamins to prevent Neural Tube Defects (NTDs), pregnancy related anaemia and associated pregnancy complications.

Warifert-F which contains all the good stuff. (Read the ‘fert’ in the tablets name, obviously)

Ecosprin once daily which was prescribed after 3 months. It is advised to patients going for IVF.

Vitamin D3 solution 60000 IU once a week for my way too low Vitamin D levels.

I am sure many of you might be wondering about, “aren’t you taking any stims?” No poking for me ladies, not yet. There is a reason for it and at this point I am not comfortable in sharing the same.

Acceptance 

These 4 years of coming face to face with fertility made me realize that unless I accept my condition, no yoga, meditation or any relaxation technique can calm my soul. It is what it is. I am not angry on “God”. I never question, “Why me?” though others around do say, “Why you?” but I have learned to let it go.

So This Is It. All about me getting ready for IVF (in vitro fertilization). Do share some of your Tips to prepare for IVF.

 

 

 

How Infertility Feels – The Struggle To Conceive

I know it has been ages that I made my presence over here and on Instagram. But I do hop now and then on your blogs. I cannot make myself write though I love reading your (in)fertility journey. You truly are fertility warriors, we all are.
I have mentioned in my last post regarding our IVF journey. Once you start walking on this journey there are many speed breakers, halts, red signals. It doesn’t happen like you are the driver riding a car in fast and furious movies.

Pricking (n number of times), scanning on various days of the cycle is never ending affair. It is tiring but we are taking it easy. Accepting what cannot be changed. Following as advised. Keeping our calm.
Labeling an IVF journey as ‘stressful’ is cliche but true. It drains you emotionally and the wallet. We consulted with our RE in first week of Jan 2018 which was followed with blood tests, scans, semen analysis. The protocol of treatment doesn’t change even if I have Premature ovarian failure (POF). I am on estrogen and progesterone from Jan to regulate my menstrual cycle as I do not get my menses naturally. My ovaries do not like me anymore.
It was stressful in beginning but I have accepted my condition and this has helped me in keeping calm. I may never conceive naturally but I am grateful to the fertility specialists and techniques to help me.
Remember, your body is a temple. Respect it. Worship it. You are blessed with good health. Not everyone are.

Breathe in and out. If you feel like shouting. Shout. If you want your spouse to know how angry you are, spill out the anger. But do not suppress that which is inside. It is difficult to share our feelings to our spouse when you are labelled as having infertility. But also remember, it might be hurting to him/her too. So the only way to lessen the burden is communication. If you cannot talk, write. Let those words flow on the paper. Trust me, I have done it and you might be surprised how the emotions are in sync. Non-communication can be the culprit to destroy relation.
I give you my word that I will be sharing my entire IVF journey here soon. So buckle up, there might be showers of posts from me in your feed.
Till then I am dancing to the rhythm of music I am obsessed on Amazon music.

Why I Love Tag (And You Should, Too!) Fertility Warrior Q & A

Fertility Warrior Q & A

I have been asked by a fellow fertility warrior – Strength through infertility to contribute in raising awareness of infertility & childlessness.  Set up by Post IVF world, the idea is that bloggers answer a set of 10 questions about their own infertility experiences and then add an extra question that we think others may find useful.  In the end there should be a huge amount of information available for people to access which in turn should help raise awareness.

So, here are my answers

1. Are you male or female?

Female

2. Where are you in your infertility journey?

TTC since 4 years. Primary infertility (never conceived)

3. What is your infertility diagnosis if you have one?

Yes I do have one and it is nailed down to Premature Ovarian Failure or Primary Ovarian Insufficiency (POI). You can read about it more in my post.

4. How old were you when you got your diagnosis and how old are you now?

I was 29 when the lightnings and thundering stroke my life: I may never have a baby with my own eggs because very few are left.

5. What do you do to keep your spirits up on the tough days?

It is indeed tough to keep up the spirit living with infertility. I am living each day with the belief: Everything happens for a reason. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently for it will surely take place. It will not be denied.

6. How do you feel you have been treated by medical professionals?

I myself as a medical professional can’t answer it but I had consulted two specialists. I exactly remember their words. One had said, “The problem is in you not your husband” which definitely did sting me. The other specialist said: “Nature has given you beautiful uterus just that it may not hold your ‘own’ baby.”

Sigh!

7. Have you been offered support of any kind?

Honestly, none from near and dear ones. My one of the best friend is standing by me and all the support that I have received till now is by you, the fellow #TTC sisterhood.

8. How do your issues affect you on a day to day basis?

Oh! There are no words to explain the feeling of being stared by all the aunties (as if saying: when? Still no?), watching babies in arms, baby stroller everywhere you go, the pregnant bellies, the advertisements of baby soap, diapers, shampoo, pregnancy shoots, announcement, it goes on and on.

9. If you could tell yourself something back when you were first diagnosed, what would it be?

This too shall pass!

10. Are you open about your infertility? If so, has this helped?  If not, is it something you think might help?

I am opening up about my fertility issues. Yes it has definitely helped me. Most of the things I have shared through writings and I am blessed to have so many of you to understand me.

In my day-to-day life the only person I have talked about this is my ‘guy’ friend and I am amazed how well he understood and stood besides me rather than degrading / blaming me.

My question

What advice will you give to the couples fighting infertility?                                         

NO BLAMING ! If you have infertility due to female factors, do not blame her and this goes vice-versa as well.

“Promise me you’ll always remember that you’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you know.” — Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh

Be supportive. Trust me the support you give to each other in this tough fight is all that matters. The greatest impact of infertility is not just about difficult to conceive but is on a relationship as well. It either becomes stronger or falls apart.

Living with the bitterness for each other is not how you deal with it.

I am not tagging anyone specific but I would like anyone of you going through the same journey as ours, do take up this tag. The answers will be a reflection of your insights.