Healing After Miscarriage

Hello, Hello!

Nope, I am not here with the so-called “good news”; because “expecting” for me is no longer in the “good news” category. For me good news is:

• I have got my period. (Yes, this is good for the one with primary ovarian failure who sometimes doesn’t get withdrawal bleeding with artificial hormones)
• When my RE says, “ET looks good.”

Well, I have not heard either of the above in last 3 months.

Time for some recap

19 Jun’18: FET (3 healthy embryos were transferred)

3 Jul’18: Beta – HCG 183.64 (I was pregnant!)

7 Jul’18: Beta – HCG 905.46 (Growing strong)

17 Jul’18: Beta – HCG 15623.64 (LOOK AT THOSE NUMBERS!)

3 Aug’18: First scan – Fetal cardiac activity absent (Numb, devastated, broken) MISSED ABORTION!

6 Aug’18: Undergone D & C and I had decided to do ‘karyotyping’ in products of conception (Strange how it sounds like that instead of calling a baby)

30 Aug’18: Study of chromosome analysis: Normal karyotype

19 Sep’18: APLA Test. Guess what? Normal levels.

What caused the miscarriage?

‘No cause found’. Missed abortion is also known as ‘silent miscarriage’. It did leave silently and left me in silence. Missed abortion is caused in 10% of pregnancies. I was the special among that 10%.

Apparently being special did not end here. My first period post D & C turned out to be scanty. The next one scantier and the third one was like – ‘what should I call this? Only traces of blood’.

I was struck with Asherman syndrome, a rare condition. In most cases, it occurs in women who have had several dilatation and curettage (D&C) procedures.

I told you, I am “The Chosen One”!

10 Dec’18: Hysteroscopy with adhesiolysis

2 days Post-hysteroscopy, there wasn’t any significant bleeding. It increased and by the 7^th day full-fledged bleeding as if I am on period.

I am on Tab Pause-MF which has decreased the bleeding but then again my body has to bear the blow of progesterone in next week. THAT will be called as ‘period’. Fingers-crossed!!!

How am I doing?

I did undergo the 5 stages of grief. Learning to live with the one I lost.

Photo by Simon Robben from Pexels

But often when I start to count the months it never fails me to realize I would have been 6 months pregnant with a baby bump. I would have been due in Mar’19.

I had refrained from doing a UPT at home post FET in June as I was anxious. After the second beta – HCG I finally decided to do it. I still have that strip with BFP. I have kept it as a remembrance of what ‘I had blessed with’ more than the feeling of loss.

I don’t know whether I have healed because it has traumatized me emotionally > physical pain.

I thought the first FET would be scary but I am fearful (not scary) for second FET, and I don’t even know when it will be. Because the first time I was ready, the second will come with fear as I have to make up my mind for the loss too (if it did come).

The one good thing that came with the second half of 2018 –  I see “secondary infertility” from the previous “primary infertility” on my medical records.

I am with you if you have been through same. Do share how you were healed. Let’s help each other. 

 

A Letter To My Angel Baby

Dearest Babbu,

Mumma misses you a lot! I am sorry it took me so long to write to you because I simply can’t get over the feeling you are not growing inside me. I truly hope you are doing well, happy and looking after your Mumma and Papa from high above. 

We were blessed to see you. I don’t know which of the three were you, but it was a beautiful sight. It was not less than a miracle to see you within me as an embryo.

I hope you remember the moment you were in my womb, mumma began to talk with you, every single day. Do you remember my voice? Did you realize how well you were being protected from this outside world by me, your granny and granpa? 

I was certain about your existence, even though it wasn’t a stage wherein I could feel you. I was anxious, fearful to know about you in form of HPT so I waited for 15 days for HCG to be sure about your presence inside me. 

3 July 2018 will always be a special day when Mumma and Papa came to know about you. 17 July 2018 made me confident that you were growing cozily within me. 

I had decided which would be your first onesie that I was gonna ask your Ishu Masi to make it for you. I had finally downloaded all the best baby apps, purchased pregnancy books to make sure you get the best care while growing. Oh boy, you grew so happily and rapidly when you were about 4 weeks. 

I had planned about the announcement of your presence in the world. I had saved which would have been your clothes, crib, diapers. I had made a checklist in my head about your toys, puzzles, games I would be playing with you. I had thought all about the songs I was going to sing to you, dance with you. 

I was counting on all the first moments with you: Delicately, carefully holding you, kissing you, smelling in your new baby smell for the first time. You feeding on my breast milk – would have been the best moment ever. Watching your first smile, your giggles, your laughter, your cry, your first syllable, the first time you sit, your first steps, running, jumping all around. Oh, so many milestones! 

We were so excited to meet you. Mumma and Papa would have first hold you in our arms on 8 March 2019. But you left us both alone, what remained are your memories. When? How? Why? I never realized when you left us. You were so happily snuggling and growing, so what made you leave your Mumma alone?

I was over the moon on 3 August 2018 to see you in my womb for the first time on the scan. But I couldn’t see your heart beat. I was numb. I did not speak or cry for 30 minutes.  The moment when it dawned I will never see you, I couldn’t fight against the tears, they just kept coming. 

For 2 days I cherished every moment of you within me and on 6 August 2018, you finally left me, my womb. I am so sorry Babbu, I couldn’t protect you. I am sorry, I couldn’t save you. 

I wish you could be with me forever. You have left an empty space which can never be filled. You made me a Mom which I never thought I could be. Thank you for making  me a ‘aai’ (mother). Thank you for making me believe again – ‘Life is Beautiful’. You gave me strength and courage which I had lost. 

I will love you more each day. We never met but I will always remember I had you for 7 weeks till the end of my life.  You will always be my first baby. 

Love forever,

Your Mumma