A Letter To My Angel Baby

Dearest Babbu,

Mumma misses you a lot! I am sorry it took me so long to write to you because I simply can’t get over the feeling you are not growing inside me. I truly hope you are doing well, happy and looking after your Mumma and Papa from high above. 

We were blessed to see you. I don’t know which of the three were you, but it was a beautiful sight. It was not less than a miracle to see you within me as an embryo.

I hope you remember the moment you were in my womb, mumma began to talk with you, every single day. Do you remember my voice? Did you realize how well you were being protected from this outside world by me, your granny and granpa? 

I was certain about your existence, even though it wasn’t a stage wherein I could feel you. I was anxious, fearful to know about you in form of HPT so I waited for 15 days for HCG to be sure about your presence inside me. 

3 July 2018 will always be a special day when Mumma and Papa came to know about you. 17 July 2018 made me confident that you were growing cozily within me. 

I had decided which would be your first onesie that I was gonna ask your Ishu Masi to make it for you. I had finally downloaded all the best baby apps, purchased pregnancy books to make sure you get the best care while growing. Oh boy, you grew so happily and rapidly when you were about 4 weeks. 

I had planned about the announcement of your presence in the world. I had saved which would have been your clothes, crib, diapers. I had made a checklist in my head about your toys, puzzles, games I would be playing with you. I had thought all about the songs I was going to sing to you, dance with you. 

I was counting on all the first moments with you: Delicately, carefully holding you, kissing you, smelling in your new baby smell for the first time. You feeding on my breast milk – would have been the best moment ever. Watching your first smile, your giggles, your laughter, your cry, your first syllable, the first time you sit, your first steps, running, jumping all around. Oh, so many milestones! 

We were so excited to meet you. Mumma and Papa would have first hold you in our arms on 8 March 2019. But you left us both alone, what remained are your memories. When? How? Why? I never realized when you left us. You were so happily snuggling and growing, so what made you leave your Mumma alone?

I was over the moon on 3 August 2018 to see you in my womb for the first time on the scan. But I couldn’t see your heart beat. I was numb. I did not speak or cry for 30 minutes.  The moment when it dawned I will never see you, I couldn’t fight against the tears, they just kept coming. 

For 2 days I cherished every moment of you within me and on 6 August 2018, you finally left me, my womb. I am so sorry Babbu, I couldn’t protect you. I am sorry, I couldn’t save you. 

I wish you could be with me forever. You have left an empty space which can never be filled. You made me a Mom which I never thought I could be. Thank you for making  me a ‘aai’ (mother). Thank you for making me believe again – ‘Life is Beautiful’. You gave me strength and courage which I had lost. 

I will love you more each day. We never met but I will always remember I had you for 7 weeks till the end of my life.  You will always be my first baby. 

Love forever,

Your Mumma